For the last three years my blog has focused on our chaotic life with small children, numerous pets and life in general. I have always had a creative side that loved to write since I was a child so I generally see life through the tip of my pen - or tap of my fingers on the keyboard. My parents used to think I was doing homework but they always eventually realized I was 'creative' writing and caught in a dream world.
I was thinking about my blog yesterday and how it used to be about life and the last couple weeks it's been about death and loss. Then I realized, the posts are still indeed about 'life' just a part of life we have been blessed not to have dealt with yet. We have had unemployment, struggles and health scares. My husband even had kidney cancer when my son was only three months old. I will never forget when they told us chemotherapy/radiation didn't work on this type of aggresive cancer. Our first thought was 'great' and then the second (more logical) thought was 'oh shit - we're screwed.' Luckily, his cancer was contained and the doctors were able to remove his entire kidney. He's still checked often and all is well. The day we found out he had cancer, he got a phone call from work that they were eliminating his position starting immediately. We were scared on so many levels. Someone had the ignorance to call me and say they heard life was dealing us some harsh cards. I felt like the bitch kicked me in the gut but it was also a turning point in my thought process. I 'kindly' told her that we just had a healthy baby, my husband's cancer was contained and he really wasn't happy at his job anyways.
When my dad was in the hospital before he died, I ran home to take a shower and grab my husband and the kids to bring them back there. On the way back, we got a call from my sisters to hurry because things weren't looking good. Long story short, I blacked out while driving with my family in the car and thankfully pulled over safely on a highway so my husband could take over the wheel. By the time we got to the hospital, the front staff wanted to take me to the ER but I told them my dad was dying and I had to get to ICU. I was wheeled to ICU - yes wheeled.
There is a point to my ramblings....I realized at that moment that I could curl up in a ball or I could get myself together, stand tall and face the music...tragically that music was to be Amazing Grace. Realistically, I had no choice in the outcome of the situation BUT I did have control over how I was going to handle it. My heart is so broken and I feel the loss every second. I hear from those that have lost a parent that the pain will get worse...I can't imagine!! My family and faith will see me through this dark time.
I have been trying to find strength in my husband's cancer scare but the heartache and pain can't be compared. I am trying to see the bright side of a situation but it's almost impossible when your world is shattered. When you are in a situation that you have no control of the outcome, you realize how strong you are as a person and how much shit you can really take!!
One of my resolutions for 2010 was to go to church weekly and that was one resolution I have kept. After dad died, I had a dream that 'semi' came true the next day and that experience has brought me much closer to my faith but that's for a later post....stay tuned!!
In church today they said, 'blessed are you who are now weeping, for you will laugh' and as far fetched as that sounds right now, I am going to keep that in mind during these dark times!!
No comments:
Post a Comment